OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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