I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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