She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
