peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize