Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
