We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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