im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
