Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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