If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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