My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize