Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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