Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize