she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
