I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
