Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
