EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
