yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
