I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
