Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
