our cab driver is having phone sex.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
