dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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