from now on my penis is your penis
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
