Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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