Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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