your room smells of hookers.
And success
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize