Whoa Z and x make the same sound
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
