my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
