My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
