theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
