The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
