I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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