Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
