I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
