Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
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