onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
