as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
