it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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