After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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