When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
