I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
