I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
