Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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