She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
