Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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