I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
There's always time for handjobs
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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