I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
