If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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