I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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