did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
