So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
