I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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