an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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