some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
A+ Viking dick
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
