I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
