Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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