His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
